I am sitting in my room in a dorm that is a house with 5 rooms. It is the most spacious room I've had in a long time, maybe similar to the one I had when I was in elementary school. Mom and dad had their room in the first floor, my sister had the biggest one on the second floor and me and my brother had two rooms separated by a wall in front of my sister's. It was a warm and calm period of my life. I was mentally secured by the assurance of religion, surrounded by family and school friends. The experience of that life was a pleasure.
This room is 4200 km further from that childhood house. Funny number now that I think about it. Today, I also was reminded of the move 37 and Vertasium's video on the number 37. So random, so random.
My arrival to this room was as magical as finding my dream thesis topic. I was handed this room and I could move cities in one month. I decided at the end of April 2026 and I was here on the first day of June. It is big with huge windows and the roommates, didn't feel unfamiliar when I arrived.
The world is not completely a construct of our brains but its interpretation is. When I arrived, I was relying on myself so heavily that nothing felt unfamiliar; I wasn't feeling lonely or alone. I had me with me, and I still do but it is fading and I will do something about it.
There's a 23 year old boy here living right below my room. We have a garden that my wide beautiful window opens to and his room is on the even level with it. He smokes and enjoys staying up late. I enjoy breathing air and sleeping at night. I tried to talk to him, he didn't want to. He has hard time speaking and his reactions are very slow. I assume as a result of getting high on weed everyday. I was seeing him, I was understanding him, but I refused to tolerate him.
This was an important moment in my life. I can now hold two contradictary truth at the same time without collapsing them into each other or getting so uncomfortable that I lose the ability to act. I decided to have agency and not silently suffer. It's crazy what it takes to come to this simple behavior, it is crazy how we, the women, have been trained to obsorb and tolerate. Is it nurture or is it in my genes? have I been selected for this over time?
I didn't accept it, but I also didn't hurt him more than he already is that he can't stay sober and was choosing self harm over respecting my privacy and right to breath or sleep. I asked to move out and now I am moving.
I am moving to an attic room, a few houses from here, with new people. I made this decision in a fatigue state and then tried to come up with reasons why I made the right call. I will experience a new environment with unfamiliar people. I made the right decision because I didn't stay or hoped things to improve. I recognized a bad setting and left before it causes me more harm. And I was pretty happy that in this city, people responsible for my accomodation, offered solutions; it was a novel response. [have you ever noticed that novel as in novelty is the same as the novel, the book? same root, not coincidential.]
Yesterday, I used my sex toy and it is an indication that I feel comfortable in my room now and today I had a few ideas and more patience, in a different way. I don't know the science, but even if I don't reach the orgasm the way I feel by other forms of masturbation, entering an object inside and causing the opening to widen, has an effect on me physiologically and mentally. I don't get attacked by ideas anymore, maybe no trigger. But this version is an organized stable version. Are people with healthy romantic relationships in an advanced form of this mental and physical state most of the time? because if they are, that would explain a big portion of their success.