I deal with my cockroaches

I am helping dad to kill thousands of cockroaches which are coming out of the toilet's stone that dad is breaking. They have called interior of that stone, home and I don't remember how long we kept doing it but we were there for a while. I was in elementary school and I was a daddy's girl, so any activity, even cockroach hunting, was fun with my dad. 

I am living independently in Rasht, Gilan. I moved there for my bachelor's and I will be spending my 20s there. The first house is far from the city center, fourth floor with occassional cockroaches. I am scared of them but also am too excited about the independent life and new things and the new city. I just enjoy whatever and however the things are. I notice their behavioral pattern which makes me think that they can see color; because whenever I open the white blanket, they are not seen, but on the red and brown carpet, they feel invited. I spend a year there and then start working. Now, I can afford a house in the city center in a nice neighborhood. 

I move to the second house and it is indeed an improvement but for the cockroach problem. It has twice the number of the cockroaches I've seen in the other house and they are big. I am alone this time. I need to take care of them, I am scared and disgusted at their site. The roommate couldn't care less. She is scared of birds and not cockroaches. So I am alone in dealing with them.

There is only one option: whenever I see one, I close the door and deal with it. Every single time. There is no running, there is no ignoring, there is no hidding, there is only killing it. They made me realize an important truth about myself: I deal with whatever I am afraid of. Running is not even on the table.

I am sitting at my own apartment that recently have been able to afford renting alone. It is late afternoon, summer, and I have sealed any holes that they might be able to enter. I am reading Siddartha and enjoying my book when I hear a helicopter sound. A big black cockroach entered from my window which has a net. How is that even possible, there is no hole in it. I don't have time to think, I need to kill it. I grab the spray. I need to cover its body for it to sufficate. A few sprays would usually suffice but this one is different. 

First its wings get heavy and it lands on my beautiful blue Persian carpet. I think to myself, oh shit, I need to wash my carpet. Its next move is running towards me; I've never seen this behavior from other cockroaches before. It was actively trying to rub its wings against the table while scaring me away to stop more sprays. This one was intelligent, it had a plan. The spraying continued probably a minute or two until it gave up and slowly died. It was the most brave and brilliant cockroach I've ever met.

I plan to come to Germany, so my parents move in with me in Rasht. We go to this very small but luxury house in this classy neighborhood. The problem is that the interior is completely brown and yes, the house belongs to cockroaches. It was renovated and customized for cockroaches. My dad hired a specialized pesticide person, twice, before us moving there, but there was little we could do. We lived there for a year and I saw the fattest cockroaches of my life. I had the same approach, closed the door, dealt with them and slept a whole year with my studying lamp. 

I moved from city A to B for my thesis. I never saw cockroaches for two and a half years in the city A.

Roommates in the city B are unbearable, so I move rooms. New room in the new house is perfect. I see a small cockroach in the kitchen, what's the harm, I kill it. I see another two days later, and another next week. Hey, cockroaches are back to my life! I announce it on the group, this German guy loses his mind over it. He is currently in his parent's and we have only met once. He gives me a list of instructions to follow starting by buying traps, it is 9:30 pm, throwing the foods out, and looking under the couch. Then, he calls me and says that we need to call the emergency number from the dorm, it is 9:30 pm. I assure him that it is okay and we can do it tomorrow. His family push him from the other part, he sounds stressed. He sends me different pictures for identification. They are Deutsche Küchenschabe, 1.5 cm.

I search to see if these are life threatening, they are not. Why is he so anxious? his mom apparently works in a similar field that I didn't understand what. They are forcing him to come to the dorm right now, he says he won't until the problem is solved. I feel that these people are overreacting and I remember the 2-3 cm cockroaches I dealed with in Rasht.

I pour some tea and just remember the memories and try to create meaning where probably there is none. But hey, cockroaches are back to my life, what's up?